[Mommy of Rowen]

Ok This might be a lil long but i want to tell you the whole story so you understand what happened so please bare with me. Please keep in mind while reading this for 12 days i did not see my new born daughter at all due to i was in the ICU.

Almost 6 months ago i gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. All threw my pregnancy i had gallbladder attacks several times a day. They were so painful but i refused the surgery while i was pregnant because i couldn't risk loosing my child. A week after i had her i went into a severe attack which latest 3 days before i went to the hospital. They told me i had pancreatitis and my liver and kidneys were both shutting down. They also said i could have my gallbladder removed right then because i had pancreatitis. I was in so much pain they had to put me on a pain pump and wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything for a total or 12 days while i was in the hospital. 5 days after i arrived i was in good enough health for them to have my gallbladder removed. They said it was sickest they have ever seen. While i was in surgery they cut my bile duct spilling bile all in my body. It was slowly killing me. The next day I was back into emergency surgery to have a stent put in. That stent didnt work it became blocked.2 days later they had to take me back into surgery for another stent which thankfully worked. While all this was going on My fiance broke up with called off our wedding and kicked me out of house. I had a mental breakdown in hosptial and was diagnosed as postpartum depression. I feel now real connection with my daughter i mean i love her to death i just don't want to deal with her. Which is horrible and i feel like the worst mother on earth. Since then i have found the most amazing guy and we tried our hardest not to become pregnant but when i switching birth control from pill to iud i became pregnant.

I would like to know what other moms did to coop with postpartum depression? Raising kids so close together? and ANY HELP YOU CAN POSSIBLY GIVE ME. Please and Thank you all very much for taking time to read and answer this.
Never will i kill my child and yes i am on medication but it doesn't seem to help. I am in counceling

[Melissa]

I remember postpartum with my 1st. I dropped him off to his Aunts house for daycare and I was absolutely stressed out. I hadn't slept in months and he had health issues that were scary to deal with (breathing issues). His Aunt came over to me and said "You know it's ok to want to throw your baby out the window. Just don't actually do it". I don't know why but it calmed me down. Ever since then when I feel overwhelmed; that perverted thought still seems to do the trick. I guess the moral of the story is that when you get depressed, you need a way to step out of the situation even if that means a little crazy daydream.

[Riyen's Mom & # 2 due]

, sounds like you've been through a lot in the past 6 months.

I'll tell you my story, might be long, but here it goes.

I mostly blame my ppd on my elongated labor that lead to a c-section. I didn't get to see my son for an hour after I had him and when I held him finally I didn't feel like he was mine even. Bad, I know. I couldn't get up to hold him, feed him, change him, anything. I was helpless, ... I had a cathiter for 2 days, couldn't even go to the bathroom on my own. It was miserable. When I got home, I was still in a lot of pain from the recovery. I found myself, not alone, but dealing with my son by myself, unable to sleep for days at a time. I seriously felt like I hated him during the night time, only night time. When day came I would just cry and hold him because I felt so horrible for handeling him too tightly, or begging him to stop crying and just go to sleep. After about 2 months of this, we start to form a bond like a mother and son should, but I still had post pardum depression. I never told a SOUL about it because I thought they would judge me. I loved my son more than anything in this world, I just couldn't explain my moments where I just wanted to throw him in a closet and shut the door for a day or two. I suffered from ppd for 9 months. I mean, it is strange because my son and I always have been like..unsepreable. You could not pry him from my arms if you would have tried when I was feeling depressed, I NEEDED him more than anything, but ... I don't know, I just couldn't handle him, I wasn't ready for what was demanded.

I finally started telling people about it, and felt a lot better, I believe it helped me tremendously to tell one of my friends...because feeling some anxiety and blues are normal, but not to the extent I was feeling them. I got over my PPD at 9 months. I just found out, now that he is 20 months, that we are expecting again, and I am terrified of doing the ppd thing again, but I honestly think that if I am open about the way that I am feeling, it will not get nearly as bad as it did with my son. I think as long as you are able to say, okay, I have a problem, I shoudln't be feeling like this, and I need to talk to someone, you will be FINE. There are medications you can take for ppd, but I am not someone who is fond of depression medicines from past personal expierences.

You need to find a support group and talk to people who have been through this before and heed their advice. You need to express your concearns to your OB BEFORE you have the baby. Let her know that you are still suffering from it with this child, and you're worried about your next appt.


EDIT
Screw the person below me, you have a loving boyfriend, who is supporting you, you will be much better.

[nickyninedoors]

I'd consider abortion in this case if you're not too far along. With all those health problems you had and that fact that you are too depressed to deal with your daughter....Having a second child is VERY difficult...especially that close together...At the very least you should be getting help - are you on medication..?